Look life in the eye, don't hide in the sand.
Much as we?d like life to be simple, couples go through many responsibility changes over time. All changes affect the relationship for the good or bad. Below are two major transitions couples may see, marriage and children, and how to make them good for your relationship.
Before we look at any type of transition, there is one skill which will make any change healthy and positive. That skill is communication. If a couple can?t talk about the change, about their expectations, or about their needs, then the relationship is in trouble. The abilities to speak up and shut up (or listen) are paramount in navigating relationship responsibilities.
Getting Married
Often the biggest transformation in many relationships is the act of getting married, taking on that legal and emotional responsibility. No matter if the couple has been living together or dating, marriage is a major change. Two individuals commit to being a couple before anything else. Actions and expectations that were appropriate as singles are now inappropriate as part of a serious couple. Additionally, decision making processes are handled through two people first before anyone else. This means a family of origin who may have been heavily involved in their child?s adult life need to take a step back and allow their child to be part of a couple.
Troubles can be minimized if the couple talks well before the wedding, during the nuptial process, and afterwards about expectations. Talk about how it will be different to be married versus being single (even dating single.) Explore what will and won?t be acceptable in your married life. Speak with each other about how you want your families involved in your life together. A few topics you might also wish to address are: money, employment, chores, free time, sex, children, and how to handle problems.
Handling problems is an important topic because no marriage is without problems. In fact, if there are problems in your relationship before marriage, they will only get worse afterwards. Marriage is a crucible which heats things up, so address issues and don?t hope they will just go away when rings are exchanged.
Having Kids
We all know having kids is rewarding and extremely stressful. Not only will you have sleepless nights and diapers to change, but your relationship responsibilities will be changing too. One discussion that needs to happen even before the child appears is what family life will look like. What will happen to your jobs? Will someone stay home or will you hire help? How many children are you planning to have? How do you expect life to change with children involved?
There will be some grief involved in letting go of life as a couple; this is normal. You will probably have less free time because it will become family time. Remember, you and your spouse need to make couple time; the health of the couple predicts the emotional health of the child. Being responsible for a child does not negate the responsibility to take care of yourself and the couple.
Ultimately, how you navigate changes in relationship responsibilities hinges upon how well and how often you speak about them. If you hide your head in the sand, things will not go well for you, your relationship or your life. Keep talking and listening.
Kim Leatherdale
You fell in love; staying in love is difficult. Kim Leatherdale, a licensed professional counselor, teaches practical skills to create a great relationship. She believes it is exciting and joyful for couples to rediscover their feelings for each other. Having worked with and presented to thousands, Kim is passionate about teaching people to revolutionize their lives through easy and enduring skills. Kim enjoys her work as a counselor and coach and finds it rewarding to see people who genuinely use these techniques create close and rewarding relationships.
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